“Are you not entertained?” — Maximus in Gladiator (2000)
 
WHILE I admit the Tory leadership contest is hardly the stuff of blood-soaked arena combat, it will just have to suffice until the autumn release of Ridley Scott’s eagerly anticipated Gladiator 2 — and, of course, the next season of BBC1’s rebooted Gladiators.
 
The contest at present truly resembles, albeit in an expanded list of participants, the JL Borges quote (in reference to the Falklands campaign) about “a fight between two bald men over a comb.”

The list of candidates is hardly inspiring, the long distant titanic Tory contests of the past now reduced to a bunch of needy, squabbling muppets, echoing another quote, this time from Marx: “History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.”
 
Thunderdome — Tory style
 
But what can we expect, when looking at the winners of the party’s internal contests since the 1997 general election? Liz Truss, IDS, William Hague, Boris Johnson, Theresa May, David Cameron and Michael Howard — a sorry bunch indeed.

And challengers such as John Redwood, Michael Gove, Dominic Raab, and David (“Double D”) Davis were hardly missed opportunities for renewal either, although I possessed some misplaced regard for Kenneth Clarke, as at least he obviously regarded the whole thing as a bullshit exercise to feed both fellow MPs and Neanderthal party members.
 
Labour must be chortling (while keeping a watchful eye on Reform UK) over who could be the next leader of His Majesty’s Most Loyal Opposition; who appear to be a collection of clueless Lepidi (the forgotten Triumvir), when they feared a cunning potential Octavian, or even a pugnacious Mark Antony.
 
“Mediocrities ... everywhere. I absolve you.” — Salieri in Amadeus (1984)
 
But, for the sake of differentiating the runners and riders, a look at the current contenders bidding to be the leader of the rump parliamentary party comprising just 121 MPs.
 
James Cleverly: Former home secretary whose name appears to be an oxymoron, given his oafish demeanour and joshing about doseing his wife with date rape drugs, when at the same time discussing the criminality of their use in Parliament.